Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Trying to Make it Through the Day~

Isn't it true that we're all just basically - trying to make it through the day? I've blogged before about time management (and my lack of it)- but basically- I'm sucking at it lately. Is it my lack of time, lack of organizational skills, or is it the sheer number of things on my plate? We've still got our "other" home on the market and were getting showings- but we're not staying with our current realtor past this Sunday. So- we're going to try and sell it ourselves! (gulp! Gasp!) It won't be the easiest way- but it will give us more freedom to negotiate a price that might get it sold more quickly. We'll have to see. This being said- there are things that I would like to do to the other house to make it more attractive- but every dime we spend on it- is one less dime we're putting into our new home. Herein lies the problem-- prioritizing. Not to mention the fact that I've gotten 2 wedding invitations, my best friends baby shower to plan (at my house) and a bridal shower to attend in the near future. Add on the babies 2nd birthday, (Bills b-day was this past weekend) and WORK! -- and my plate is full!! The nanny keeps reminding me to "buy floor cleaner" and when I came home from running errands this afternoon-- the house smelled like wet soil- probably from the 2500SqFt of sod we just had installed. (Imagine the smell of compost and poop!) Then there are the things that go to the bottom of the list- like B's car needing to go into the shop for a leaky a/c before the heat of summer hits- and my car needing to go in for tire pressure monitors, and oh- did I mention the garage that still needs to be cleaned out at our old house? My list is getting more full and I'm getting more frustrated! It's a good thing, I suppose to have frustration in your life- it lets you know that "life aint easy!" It keeps you grounded. It also makes me feel as if my life is very apportioned, rarely feeling as if I can reach completion of the smallest tasks. It is burdensome. It makes me feel like a less than stellar mom. I feel guilty when I have to work, run errands and get life situated for the weekend, so that we can all have time together to relax. But I also feel guilty and preoccupied when I spend too much time during the day with the kids- never feeling as if the tasks I have on my list are getting accomplished and wondering when I can get back to work as I push them around the yard on their Radio Flyer trikes. I thought that life would be hard after kids- I didn't know that my life would be cut in two! Meaning- the life I have with the kids and the life I have outside them. (And never the two shall meet) --It will get worse- I assure you- if they are anywhere NEAR as active as I was in school activities- this part is the proverbial "cake walk!" I talked this evening with my SIL- who also (just) had twins- Boys- and she is returning to work in just a few weeks- My theory of why I could not do that (my mantra) is that the (my) babies needed individual attention, that "I" (AKA- nanny AND I) could only give them. I like to tell myself that their worlds would tumble into oblivion if I weren't present to witness them blowing bubbles from a BUBBLE wizard bucket for the first time, or finger painting with chocolate pudding or riding their trikes by themselves- but they wouldn't- they would be fine! But for me- the "little" daily milestones are just too darn big for me to pass up- so I keep on, keeping on- trying to fly above the crowd on my GIANT trapeze!- flipping and spinning and grasping to feel and deal with the guilt, frustration, giggles and tears- smiles and snotty noses of everyday life. The battle doesn't make me understand motherhood any more clearly- or make me a better planner or time manager- but it forces me to breathe and experience the moments that I know will be gone- all too quickly. It makes me accountable for the title of "mom".

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