Friday, August 17, 2007

Grieving the Loss of the "Details"

I don't know if its 35 (shhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!) that's looming in the near distance or comfort in my skin- but I feel better than I have in a long time. Things just seem to continue to go well for me. "Life is what you make of it"- right? RIGHT! Life gives you Lemons, make Lemonade", right? RIGHT! Work- still continues to suck an unbelievable amount of my time!! What "time" was to me a year ago- no longer equates. Something as simple as this blog- for instance- has become the "monkey on my back" ;) I want to write more, I want to journal more, I want to capture each day (if even in a small way) that proves I lived it! There was an article in the Houston Chronicle a few weeks ago by Leon Hale, that captured my "almost 35" year old feelings as if I were 80! He talks about the possibility of being given the chance to be 21 again- and what he'd do differently.
"So what would I do different? First, on my 21st birthday I would begin keeping a journal. Every night I'd record where I went and what I did and with whom, even if the day has been routine and dreary. I would do that until I got old again. Reason this is important to me, I figure I've forgotten at least half the detail of the years I've lived. I've forgotten hundreds of names, places, events, remarks made, kindnesses done, wounds dealt. I grieve the loss of these details. They would be of huge value to me now. They represent a large part of my life, and they're gone. It's like half of me is already dead. "
I am attending a funeral later today- of the brother of a dear friend. 29- collapsed and is gone. Doesn't really equate to me. No mother should have to bury their child. It goes against the laws of nature. All we have is now. So- I'm committing to write more, love more, breathe more, listen more, be outside of the box more, smell and really taste the wine more, hug my kids more, kiss the B's goodnight more (all three of them!) and live. I'm just sorry it took me 35 years to get to this place.
I had lunch with a girlfriend from work and she made a comment that resonates with me. She mentioned some other co-workers that spend much of their time being miserable. (She's been there for 5 years-so she knows quite a few people.) I want no one who knows me to feel that way about me. If you were to remember me, I would want you to say things like- "she lit up every room she walked into", or "she loved her children and her family" or- "I've never met a funnier person"- because isn't laughter what ignites our souls? Its one of the wonderful things that ties us as humans. I'd also want you to say- "she cared about her community, restoring old houses, her kitties, the way she looked, the way she presented herself." or "she cared what I had to say." So, I'll continue to work on those things- in the forefront of my every days and I'll live those things in honor of people who cant, wont, didn't or will never have the opportunity to.

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